I really did not want to be the typical person posting an end of year blog post, but here I am being all typical and shit.
I really only wanted to read today. I am about halfway through Tana French’s The Trespasser and it is beginning to get good. Yet, like 99% of my plans I never seem to follow completely through. I had tea and a pastry for breakfast #newyearnewme and sat at my kitchen table for over a half hour staring into space before I decided to even open the laptop. I still keep writing, sitting back, sighing “this is shit”, and continuing. What do I even have to say?
2016 was not awful to me. Shocker, I know. 2016 was a messy monster for most, but I’ve been battling monsters my entire life. I have looked a lot of fears in the face and so cheers 2016 but 17 may need to step it up. 2016 was my year of letting go, my year of the in-between, and my year of finding a center. I am not going to make any dumb resolutions either. You can choose to start or give up any time of the year do not let the overdose of champagne fool you.
I wrote a post earlier this year about living out the remainder of the year “in-between”. I wrote a book the previous year and it seemed to have stitched some old wounds for me, I wasn’t sure the direction I wanted to head next, I was not really hungry for much of anything, and I somehow someway came to acceptance with that. I had this clarity and it was one of the most beautiful moments of my year if not my life. I don’t always need a plan. I don’t always need to be spreading myself so thin. It is okay to just be living. So, I lived this year.
I started this blog mainly to keep myself occupied, because we all know I wasn’t too serious about just doing nothing productive. I also absolutely need lists in my life like I need butter or wine. I know they are slowly killing me but they are necessities, dammit. The support for WWB has been overwhelming for me. It took 3 months to post my first article. I am a writer. I am proud of that. I just hate that it took me 25 years to accept my talent and share it. I let that fear go. I have found that people that have been through the most have the most to say. So, here we are blogging and cooking away. A small blog that has branched out to connect me with family, friends, strangers, new business’, new experiences, and most importantly a new outlook on my life.
Cooking, writing, cooking, writing, cooking, writing. If I could hold them both in each hand it’d be a juggle for which I love more. They are my center. I found my center this year. I always knew where those passions were – buried deep in my chest, but I was too busy trying to be successful, I was too occupied trying to prove to everyone around me that the sick girl can do it all. I spent years of my life doing just that. And, you know what? No one cared but me, no one noticed but me, because I may have healed some wounds but the stigma of disease and sick still stalk me like a shadow. I am not healed from those stigmas. Instead of gashed out wounds in my core, though they have shrunk to be like paper cuts between the webbing of my fingers. Sick. Disease. Lemon juice in said cuts. I have made progress because just 6 months ago I would have never let you read that. I would have written it, locked it far away, and hope to God no one ever found it. It’s okay to be hurt, and it is okay to be a work in progress.I never want to be complete. Some of these wounds I will choose to keep.
I still do not have a house, and I still do not know if I’d like to give up my life savings to obtain one just so I can work the rest of my life to pay it off or spend my fortunes on seeing the world. Although, yesterday, I had nothing to do at work at read about deep vein thrombosis and air travel and now I am convinced I am may die on a plane. Who knows? I am happy.
I still do not have a baby. I still do not want a baby. Kyle does not want a baby, because that is always the second question asked “but doesn’t your husband want children?” as if I would sacrifice my body and my decisions for my husband’s happiness. No thank you, sir. Find a new wife. We have our dogs and our little house. We both have a true and meaningful understanding that having one another is what brings us happiness.Not things. Not the American way. Our Life. Our way.
I still only need people in my life that support myself and Kyle. No longer are people allowed to just be blank spaces. Contribute and add something to the many things constantly rotating in our lives or leave. I have left so many people behind this year I feel practically weightless. I suppose as I go into 2017 the thing I feel the most is refreshed. I can breathe for the first time in 16 years.
These were my high points of 2016 and that is how I am going to choose to remember the year by.
Food for Thought 2016
- Always be reading something
- Do not eat shrimp
- Keep all brides drunk
- Bust your ass at work but leaving everything there after leaving for the day
- Shop local and shop small business’
- Have at least 2 dogs…..1 is never enough
- Support everyone’s dream if they are brave enough to tell it to you
- You will find the best moments of your life happening when you’re two glasses deep in champagne and eating a grilled sandwich for brunch
- Mario Kart
- Laugh until your temples hurt
- Remember that whatever may ail you, whatever has ailed you speak about it, support research, and share your journey openly – I am not a sick girl, I am not a diseased girl. I am Krystal Renee