Have you ever had one of those moments where you see or hear something, and the moment just seems to speak more to you than everyone else around? I’m fairly confident people have these experiences. I do all the time. Certain words, phrases, writing, and even images occasionally just vibrate to a different tone inside this brain of mine. The picture above appeared on my Instagram the other day and I found myself going back to it throughout the day. The original poster had no caption or paragraph written to the picture…..just the image, and it just seemed to stay a little longer with me.
I believe the reason behind this image staying with me is because I have been really trying to enjoy the in-betweens in my life right now.
Being a classic INTJ personality (and yes, I have taken the real Meyer Briggs test….that cost a lot of money) I feel most comfortable with lists, plans, and then I feel MOST relaxed when those lists grow to be about the size of a small freeway. When I am overwhelmed with tasks I am calm. It is a rather disgusting habit of mine to overload myself to the point of exhaustion. I always want to do better, I always need to be organizing something, doing something, achieving and aiming for something. The things that give me anxiety are the very opposite for most people. When the water is still I panic. When life is quiet I scream. I grew up in utter dysfunction and chaos and now that I am adult I crave the intensity of always going. I am scared of the unknown. I am a planner.
These last few weeks though have been different for me. Other than small grocery lists or little reminders for myself in my planner I have made no lists the ones I have became nowhere near the size of a highway….not even a small dirt road. My plans have been random and sporadic, and I have lost connections with people that was a long time coming and started new meaningful ones. Life seems to be much more manageable and enjoyable when you are not constantly spreading yourself too thin. Life is a bit brighter and welcoming when you give your body the things it needs like enough water, sleep, and you set some goals to the side. I’m not pushing myself and that alone is a very hard task for me to accomplish because even as I write this I feel the need to make a list of the things I should be doing instead of being lazy. My brain literally thinks I am being lazy if I am not torturing it with the most unrealistic list of accomplishments for myself.
I think I am just living.
I always have these little check points in my brain and I don’t think I will ever be able to erase them….they are not necessarily unhealthy but I am also learning that the traditional path is not the path for everyone. I don’t need 3 degrees to feel successful, I don’t need a house or a baby to feel like a grown up, I don’t need 100,000 dollars in the bank to feel financial stable. That is the normal for most people, that is what is pushed on us from the moment we are born, because that is just what we do as adults, but I am accepting and moving on with the fact that life that I just wrote up there…..that life is not for me, and that is OKAY.
I will be okay.
So, right now I am just trying to enjoy the warmth of the in-between. I am not sure what I will do next. I am not sure what crazy goal I will set for myself next year….this easy no list lifestyle will not cut it forever, but in this moment I am happy. I am happy writing my blog, working 10 hours a day and then leaving it all at the door, reading new books, making new friends, going new places, spending time with family, and just living in my little house with my little family.
I find that when you do not think you are going anywhere is when you grow the most.
Life exists outside of unrealistic goals, stress, anxiety, and expectations. I have seen the life outside of it, and I am currently honoring it.